Yes, But What Kind Of Power

I often hear people say that rape is about power. While I believe this is true I feel as though my understanding and others understanding of this varies. I believe most people hear this and jump to that common, false, assumption that rape is something that happens in a n-n sexual situation. People falsely believe rape is something that most often happens between strangers and is very violent, when in reality it is most likely to happen between a man and a woman who already have some sort of relationship (romantically or platonically).

In North American culture men and women are bombarded with the message that in a sexual situation, when a women says it, no means yes. No is a playful term, for women, to throw around that perpetuates the idea of men as being dominate in a sexual situation between a man and a woman. This is a sexual script both (heterosexual) men and women often follow.

Picture a scenario in which a women is in a sexual situation with a man. These people could have had sex before, or not. She could be the type of person who often prescribes to the no means yes sexual script, or she could not. The fact is they both have an understanding of this script.

Lets say the woman says no, and means it, and is choosing not to follow this script anymore. Here is where the power comes into play. The sexual scripts we have created for heterosexuals to follow now puts him into the powerful position of either choosing to continue or discontinue to follow the sexual script of no means yes (when a woman says it to a man). It also puts him into the powerful position because so often women know that they, in this culture, will be expected to get angry and show this anger towards a sexual partner when their no goes “unnoticed” but this so often won’t happen because what person wants to alienate a sexual partner by showing anger in a sexual situation, and also what person wants to “have” to show anger in order to get a person to listen to what they are saying? No one wants to, and no one should feel that this is necessary.

We all need to change. Men and women. Unless it has been agreed in a private situation, yes needs to mean yes, no needs to mean no.  A situation in which no means yes should be determined by individuals in individual situations, not by an entire culture, and not in all sexual situation between a man and woman.