The problem of toxic masculinity

Starting at a very young age, Tunisian men are supposed to conform to a set of criteria believed by many societies all over the world to constitute a “real man.” Parents educate their sons how to speak, dress, and interact with others in ways that assert their masculinity. Young boys are told to act like “real men,” and that it’s shameful to behave in a feminine way. Boys observe the way their fathers behave with women, internalize these often violent and misogynist behaviors, and then pass them on to the next generation when they become fathers themselves.

A young Tunisian YouTuber decided to tackle this topic, which is largely taboo in the nation, in a video entitled "Mekch Rajel,” which means "you’re not a man" in the Tunisian dialect. In the video — which, since it was posted on November 29, has garnered more than 121,000 views — Chaffai sarcastically and provocatively invokes all the stereotypes linked to Tunisian masculinity by listing qualities that call a man’s masculinity into question in Arab and Tunisian society.

“First of all, if you were born white, that means you’re not a man cause you’re a ‘white brat,’” Chaffai says in his video, referencing the idea that whiteness is considered a characteristic of feminine beauty in Tunisia. “If you speak French or English, read books, don’t like football, don’t smoke or drink — again you’re not a man,” he continues.

“I’ve always been the kind of person who would discuss taboo subjects, during class, both in high school and college, or even when I hang out with my friends,” Chaffai told the FBomb. “Besides, the internet and YouTube helped me say out loud what people don’t dare to say.”

Chaffai didn’t necessarily intend for the video to influence people’s ideas about masculinity, so much as he wanted to observe people’s reactions to it. “I find the different interactions between people in the comment section, whether they belong to my fan community or not, interesting.” said Chaffai. “For example, I have received messages from boys who get harassed in the school environment for ‘dumb’ reasons: for reading books, speaking in French, being nice to their mother, etc.”

Generally, in Tunisian society, from the early ages of 6 and 7, boys are referred to as “men” by family members and friends, as a sign of affection and respect. At this age, they are told that “men don’t cry” and are forced to do things at the expense of their own feelings, such as witness the sacrifice of a sheep for the Muslim festival Eid Al Adha. Fathers believe this is an essential step for establishing their sons’ virility.

Rates of violence against women are relatively high in Tunisia; as of 2018, 53% of Tunisian women had experienced violence of some kind. Boys observe the violence committed by men against women — often committed by their fathers against their mothers — and are socialized to lack respect for their mothers and sisters, to show them that they’re the men of the house. As soon as Tunisian boys hit puberty, they are taught to behave as the house’s “second man,” and to imitate their fathers’ behaviors, like shouting at their mother and brutalizing their sisters.

Many mothers not only find this violence normal, but even feel proud of their sons for proving their virility in this way, and make their daughters serve them. Many boys control their sisters’ clothing style, monitor the times they go out, where they go, and even forbid their sisters from having romantic relationships.

When approaching girls romantically, boys are similarly socialized not to show respect; they don’t place much importance on consent and tend to be aggressive when rejected. Because they are raised to believe they can do anything they want because of their gender, many men believe women’s bodies belong to them. Victims are blamed for their own rapes, largely based on what she was wearing or if she went out without a male chaperone.

Tunisian men tend not to take any kind of objections or challenges from women well. I’ve found that when I argue with teen boys, they often use my gender as a disqualifying factor for many arguments, since women are considered the “weak” gender. Because they were taught to repress their emotions as children, they become frustrated when dealing with their feelings and end up accumulating emotional stress that they relieve on women.

Boys who dare not conform to these masculinity stereotypes are immediately assumed to be gay and, as such, are often bullied in school by their peers, harassed by society, and abused by their parents who’re ashamed of them.

There’s good news on the horizon, however. Mental health awareness is rising among young Tunisian teenagers, as is the understanding that violence and abuse is linked to unresolved trauma and damaging cultural norms. In January of this year, Tunisia started incorporating basic sex education into schools’ curriculum, to enable Tunisian girls and boys to have healthy relationships and prevent gender violence. Hopefully, more changes like these will follow.