Surviving Is Not a One-Time Event: Life After Sexual Violence

The most common word used to denote a person who has experienced sexual violence is “survivor.” When thinking about the experiences of survivors, it is easy to imagine a level of finality, implying the hard part is over, and it is now time to move on. But it is not.

My experiences with sexual violence are a part of the lens through which I see the world. When I see another woman looking uncomfortable, I wonder whether it is because of the man sitting next to her. When I walk by two children fighting, I wonder whether it is a normal childhood experience they will learn from or a violation of boundaries they will someday need to heal from. When I read an article covering an instance of sexual violence, I feel the weight of the survivor’s words and understand the silent struggle behind this brief snippet they show. It is not over just because I am no longer experiencing it. I see it wherever I go.

To me, and many other survivors, “survive” is an active verb like “run” or “jump,” not a passive state like “happy” or “sad.” For many people, surviving is the baseline and living a full life is the goal. After I experienced sexual violence, surviving became my main goal. Whether that meant doing anything I could to gain safety or keeping my secret to escape scrutiny, surviving was all I could afford to do at the time. Because fear was practically my normal state, I was less sensitive to other struggles I was facing. Now that I am much safer, I feel supported enough to notice and address those other struggles.

As I return to a state where survival is my minimum rather than my maximum, I have chosen to constantly give myself grace when surviving is all I can do at a particular moment because this process is not linear. Rather than survival being my only option, I choose to let myself survive actively.

Some days that might mean tending to my health before anything else. It could mean letting myself rest in bed for a weekend because I need it or forcing myself to get out into the sun when I want to wallow in the dark. In some circumstances, surviving will entail explaining my experiences to others, advocating for myself, and making sure my voice is heard. In others, it will mean giving myself permission not to explain myself and reminding myself that my experiences are valid whether or not other people understand them.

I identify with the word survivor because, for me, it captures the combination of strength, scars, and conscious action, all of which come together to make up my experience. My journey is not finished just because I consider myself a survivor. I survived, but now I have to deal with the fallout.

Knowing all of this, we need to offer survivors (and people in general) the space to spend time and energy working on survival when they need it. When we do not do that, the energy we need for survival is used for other things, while precious aspects of life like rest, nourishment, and health are neglected.

If someone experiences violence on the way to work or school, society should not require them to go through that day as normal, though they should have the opportunity to do so if they choose to. This might seem like a no-brainer on paper, but simply soldiering on after sexual violence is embedded in our everyday reality. A survivor who is absent from work or school due to sexual violence, even if the violence occurred within that same day, would typically be penalized, either through a loss of income or through disciplinary action.

When we spend our energy on survival, we may not have much left for traditional “productivity.” When we spend our energy optimizing performance, our survival and health needs are left to the side. This is my everyday dilemma as a survivor. It may seem extreme, but it is my reality.

Comedian and retired plus-size model Sarah Hartshorne shared an incredibly accurate sentiment: “You only hear the stories we can bear to tell.” For every example I can give to help you understand my experience as a survivor, there are a dozen more that are too difficult to write down or speak out loud. I understand that it is difficult to comprehend a survivor’s life if you have never experienced sexual violence. But you do not need to know everything about survivors before you can trust us and honor our needs.