Sorry, But Young Women’s Apologies Are Not The Problem

Like many, many young women, I say sorry too often. I am told this constantly. I have used it as a social glue, as a hedge, as a crutch, as a filler. I say I’m sorry nearly every day of my life, and I try to discipline myself out of this reflex, to internally calibrate the correct dosage of contrition. I have always assumed that I am wrong — both in my actions and in my impulse to apologize.

But I am increasingly tired of being told to change, of being chastised for my imperfect attempts to navigate an impossible mandate. I am exhausted by mental calculations in a precarious marketplace of respect. Walking the tightrope between apologizing too much and too little is a gendered balancing act so banal that it should have been in the Barbie monologue. In short, telling young women to stop over-apologizing is an individual solution to a structural problem.

What if there is wisdom in young women’s apologies? The closer I look, I see strategy, intelligence, and a strong dose of humility in an apology, even an unnecessary one. Young women are often over-eager students of empathy and experts in power relations. We need to become curious about the conditions of these apologies and ask questions of this impulse rather than automatically dismissing our younger, more insecure selves.

So, what can we learn from apologies?

First, apologies are foundational to relationships. Young women are functional social scientists, and our apologies are strategic, strengthening bonds through low-cost, prosocial acts. Apologizing is critical to the network of emotional labor that undergirds all human systems. An article in the Journal Nature found that apologies and forgiveness “function[s] to further develop an existing relationship,” particularly among loose social connections. As Dr. Tannen, a professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, put it in a recent article, “asking people to stop apologizing is like asking them to stop saying hello and goodbye. Those kinds of automatic courtesies are what make it possible to live together.”

Apologies recognize our vulnerability and interdependence. An apology renders its purveyor open to critique and accountability. It acknowledges the ways that we overlap and bump together. Essentially, apologies recognize reality; we are at once subject and object, alone and interconnected. Young women are taught to lose this vulnerability, to aspire to an impenetrable #girlboss ambition, itself a poor imitation of a solo Wall Street broker. But we all suffer when we adopt this cold moral framework. We have confused deference with weakness, accountability with liability, and strength with isolation.

Finally, apologies demonstrate wisdom. One of the central critiques of young women’s ubiquitous sorry is how it couches the speech, undermining the sincerity of a statement. Leaders, we are told, are direct. They are assured. They do not apologize for “telling it how it is.” But does an unambiguous declaration and the absence of reflexivity indicate wisdom or complexity of thought? I believe that the ability to recognize the partiality of our contributions is truly discerning. Small apologies belie an openness to error and an ability to admit one’s humanity. This is wisdom.

This brings us to the crux of the issue. Our trouble is not the apology. The way young women interact with the world is not a problem to be solved.

What would change if young women stopped apologizing tomorrow? Would we gain power more rapidly? Be taken more seriously?

Perhaps.

Perhaps we would miss these young apologizing women, their bright eyes peeled for social discomfort, trained in emotional intelligence, trying to make people feel more comfortable. More likely than not, nothing would really change. I suspect that if young women stopped apologizing entirely, they would be put right back in their place in a different way.

Young women’s verbal habits are not what stands between them and meaningful power. Telling women to stop saying sorry is a neoliberal distraction. It will not create material change. Not apologizing will not return reproductive health care to Texas. It will not pay for child care. It will not narrow the gender wealth gap. Not apologizing is the “stop buying lattes” version of linguistic advice- an individual stopgap that internalizes a structural condition. It is another addition to the endless list of ways women should change. While the standard bearer for authority remains a white man, the changes necessary to acquire esteem will not stop at apologies. It will move onto your hair, your vocal fry, your clothes, or your weight.

Paradoxically, this #girlboss advice undermines the project of becoming an actual boss. Good decisions, strategic business, and productive relationships are generated when you are fully present, active, and creative. Not when you are in your own head, tallying the number of times you have apologized in the conversation (five no, sorry, six). Telling women to change to achieve success corrupts the conditions that foster sustainable growth.

The world is not made worse by young women apologizing. Instead, the world needs more apologies. Far too often, social skills atrophy from power and privilege. We revel in the affective obstinance of powerful men. Not apologizing reflects an ethos of domination and entitlement, placing individual imperviousness above interdependence. “Don’t apologize” is misguided and incomplete moral advice.

Instead of telling young women to stop apologizing, let’s create conditions for their confidence. Let’s recognize their perceptive gifts and honor their emotional labor. Instead of asking young women to aspire to male-coded authority, let’s create a culture where humility and affective intelligence are valued as the essential skills that they are.

Young women could more fruitfully spend our apologies on the ways we will, inevitably, truly err. But the next time you have the impulse to tell a young woman to stop apologizing, consider instead: thank you.