"Self Esteem Excuse"

“I have fake boobs because when random guys stare at my chest on the street, it gives me higher self esteem.”

“I take an exercise class that is essentially basic training for strippers because it makes me feel empowered."

“I dyed my hair blonde, lost 15 pounds, and started buying overpriced and undersized clothing because if I fit the traditional standards of beauty I will feel better about myself.”

I hate these excuses. When I voice opposition, it inevitably leads to the “but isn’t feminism about having higher self esteem/feeling more empowered/ loving myself?”

Yes. But not at the expense of other people’s definitions of what these qualities are and should be.

I was watching an episode of MTV’s Made the other day. It was the prom episode, part of MTV’s prom day- a celebration of the single day that is supposed to define our teenage existence. The ridiculousness of that idea can be saved for a later post.

Anyway, the premise of this episode was that a girl who was overweight and unpopular wanted to become the prom queen.

Fabulous! Because being the prom queen is really, really important. Like, duh.

So, she was given a coach, whose actual profession escapes my memory at this point, and in retrospect I can’t really think what one would have to do to be qualified to coach a high school outcast into becoming prom queen, other than be skinny and blonde, which this woman was. This coach basically altered the girl’s entire appearance to suit conventional standards, changed the way she dressed, talked to other people—you name it she changed it—so that she would be accepted by her peers and voted queen.

In the end, the girl is voted prom queen. The coach excitedly exclaims, “I turned her from being someone who looked awkward, acted awkward, just was generally awkward into a beautiful queen,” or something to that extent. And then, the girl, caked in makeup and squeezed into some taffeta and cheap lace, says, near tears, “I just feel so much better about myself. I feel so confident.”

So now, altering this girl into some drone accepted by a objectifying popular society, is an act worthy of martyrdom. She has changed this girl’s life – she can talk to her crush and dance in public because of the new way she looks! Hip hip hooray! And though it was never explicitly said, there was this underlying “look, fat girls can fit conventional beauty standards, too,” message. So, great, now EVERYBODY is submitting to popular beauty standards.

I’m all for feeling good about ourselves. I’m all for confidence. These are qualities essential to being strong, independent women. But when these attributes come from things that are so blatantly submissive to society’s ideals of women, which are oppressive and fake, then it’s not okay.

I’m willing to go ahead and say that those feelings of confidence aren’t real. It’s not coming from you- you changed you. It’s only a matter of time before you realize you don’t really know who you are, because you’ve become just like everybody else.

So yes, confidence and self-esteem are wonderful. But isn’t there any way we can achieve these things and still maintain an identity and a sense of self?