Making Peace With “Falling Behind” Your Friends

Two days ago, the day before my birthday, my high school friend told me she was three months pregnant. We’re both 22. She’s been in a stable relationship for several years and has a comfortable job while I’m still at university, navigating this tsunami of early-twenties uncertainty.

Of course, I was happy for her. But I was also ashamed to admit that something about the news made me uneasy. I hadn’t really considered that pregnancy was a real possibility at our age, and I found myself comparing myself to her. I kept thinking that no matter what I accomplish at 22, it will never be as joyful or universally celebrated as the arrival of a child. I started wondering if I’d be a bad mother someday because I’m waiting.

But then I realized this wasn’t about becoming a mother or not; it was about the fact that my friend is my age and has figured out how to settle down, to “start” life. I wondered if I was late or if she was early – as if everything were a timed race, and she had already crossed the finish line while I hadn’t even left the starting blocks. I still don’t know what I want my life to look like. I’m still out here, charting unknown seas and trying to discover entire continents without knowing how to read a compass or a sextant, roughly steering by what I believe is my guiding star. But my friend is my age, and she’s figured it out; she seems to have the answers – or at least enough to take the leap and make a big decision.

This same discomfort shows up when people ask me what I plan to do after my studies, where I’m at with my writing, and my relationship — am I thinking yet about where to settle down? I felt it when my friend told me her news and whenever I’m asked these questions: a feeling of inadequacy. A stubborn illusion that I’ll never figure it out, that my own uncertainties will never be resolved. While others, somehow, have managed to silence their doubts and found (and memorized) the instruction manual for adult life.

But after talking to friends, to the person I love, and to others who also feel lost, I realized that almost everyone, when faced with the big life milestones of those close to them which they haven’t yet experienced themselves, feels “behind.” I also realized that there are a few things all of us should keep in mind when we feel this way.

You’re not late, they’re not early

Some cultures believe that time isn’t linear but circular. Circular timelines can’t be compared; they can’t evolve side by side if they’re round. There’s no way to measure who arrives first. There are no hurdles to jump.

No matter how you look at it, though, seeing others take paths that bring them to major life changes (like having a child) sooner can be frustrating, and that’s normal. It doesn’t mean your choice is wrong. It simply means that there are other things you’re meant to reach first.

Do you even really want what they have right now?

If I had a child right now, it would be a catastrophe. As deeply as I want it, as much as I believe building a family will be essential in my life, I know this isn’t the right moment. The person I love knows it, too.

So, while your friend is telling you her baby is now the size of a coconut, you can go eat coconut rice on the beach — because that’s fun, too. Or have a fruit salad (or several) and celebrate that your period is here because, honestly, it would be terrible for you if it wasn’t.

Resist societal expectations

In today’s world, societal pressure, especially pressure aimed at women, is intense and pervasive. Especially when messages like those about women’s “ticking biological clocks” are floating around, shaping our lives, it’s worth examining our own desires. In our twenties, we’re particularly vulnerable to these messages that pull us in directions we may not even want to go, and it’s important to try to get in touch with what we actually want, not what we think we’re supposed to want.

When faced with someone else’s big news, it’s natural to wonder when your turn will come. But instead of falling into painful, sterile comparison, try questioning the thoughts spinning in your mind: If I feel jealous, maybe it’s because I truly want what they have. But maybe I feel envious because this person meets a societal standard, while I don’t feel like I do. And maybe that societal expectation has nothing to do with what I actually want.

You will build, little by little, a life that suits you

Use the doubts, longings, and even the anger you might direct at yourself in the face of a friend’s news to refocus on what matters now. There’s so much you can do to prepare for the moment your friend has achieved; it will come for you, too, if that’s what you want.

Being in your twenties means watching everyone around you grow and blossom in completely different ways through trial and error, great choices, and huge mistakes. Maybe there’s no other decade where you’ll feel quite as out of sync, but maybe there’s also no better time to dig deep, to figure out what you really want. To dive into your reactions and desires, break them apart, see what stands back up — and keep going, always.