Joy After Experiencing Sexual Violence Is An Accomplishment. Let’s Celebrate It.

Earlier today, I had a moment of pure joy. I was scrolling through social media and came across a reel by one of my favorite musicians. I sang my heart out with the song, and that one minute of joy absolutely made my day.

As an advocate and a survivor, I know how hard it can be for many survivors to find real joy amid the giant cloud of darkness that comes after experiencing violence. So many survivors have to deal with mental health repercussions, trauma, social stigma, life changes, and so much more. When a survivor is constantly wondering, say, why their coworkers are still friends with their offender, it is unreasonable to expect that survivor to feel comfortable enough in their workspace to fully laugh at a colleague’s joke or to enjoy that birthday cake. When a survivor doesn’t know whether their family or friends believe them, it can be so much harder to enjoy the simple things that they used to love. When a survivor is around their offender, especially on a regular basis, it is irrational to expect them to focus on anything else.

I am not saying that survivors are sad or angry all the time, though some may experience that. I am saying that moments of joy can be fewer and farther between, so we should hold on to them and cherish them when they occur.

Those moments should also be acknowledged by others. While it is certainly important to talk about all of the negative aspects and effects of sexual violence, we also need to consider the journey survivors take beyond those negative effects. We need to acknowledge how difficult it may be for survivors to find moments of joy, and how precious they are once found.

In fact, this approach should go beyond survivors; I think we should celebrate everybody’s joy, particularly the joy of other minorities or marginalized groups. Life is difficult and practically everyone has gone through a lot just to be here.

Keeping in mind that survivors come from all identities and marginalized groups, this conversation is about all victims and survivors, not about everybody else. Almost everyone likely knows at least one survivor. If you know who in your life is a survivor, celebrate them today. If you know what brings them joy, send more of that their way. It can be as simple as sending them a song you know they’ll love or commenting on their post, lifting them up and celebrating them. A simple message telling a survivor that you’re proud of them can go a long way, though make sure to keep your efforts appropriate to your relationship.

Remember, though, that over-the-top gestures can make people uncomfortable too, so remember that celebrating survivors’ joy should be about the survivors, not about making yourself feel better or showing the world what you’re doing. I’d also like to clarify that by “celebrate,” I mean communicating “you deserve this happiness” rather than “congratulations for existing.” The latter tends to feel patronizing while the former acknowledges a survivor’s struggle and honors their joy without implying that they are “weak” or “lacking” in any way.

As you amplify and welcome the joy of survivors in your life, please be careful of introducing any triggers and be sensitive if they are uncomfortable with anything you bring up. Honor people’s boundaries and trust what they are communicating, recognizing that you don’t know their experience as well as they do. Empathy should be a primary priority.

If no one in your life has shared their story with you, that is OK too. You can still celebrate the people, and particularly the women, in your life. Even if you don’t know who is a survivor, putting more joy out into the world is bound to reach one survivor or another. You can also send kindness and respect toward survivor advocates, public-facing survivors, or anyone who has posted the words “Me Too.” Outspoken survivors face a lot of disrespect and additional stigma in our world, so trying to balance that out with kindness or celebrating them and their work is another way that you can amplify survivors’ joy today.

We should also keep survivors’ joy in mind when curating spaces and examining the environments that we are creating or that we are putting ourselves in. We need to create spaces where survivors feel safe from sexism, stigma, and triggers so that they can truly start chasing joy. I have heard many people make inappropriate jokes around people whom I know are survivors, thinking, “It’s OK because it doesn’t hit close to home for anyone in the room.” You never know who in your life has experienced sexual violence. The silent survivors in your life can hear the jokes you crack, the comments you make, and the posts you share. If you want survivors to feel safe with you, start by being a safe person for any survivor to be around.

Finally, if you are a survivor, celebrate yourself and honor your joy for how precious it is. We say “survivors” as if it’s a one-time thing, as if the fact that the violence itself did not immediately kill us means we have survived. But surviving is an ongoing action. We need to do it every day. Whether that means just getting through today’s swirl of intrusive thoughts or going out and changing the world, surviving must often be a continuous action rather than a past accomplishment.