How black girls can embrace our beauty in an ever-racist society

You may have seen the viral video of a young black girl that made the rounds on the internet recently. This video shows a 4-year-old black girl looking at her reflection while getting her hair styled and saying, “I’m so ugly!”

The girl’s hairdresser — Shabria Redmond — was clearly shocked by the statement, and instantly replied: “Don’t say that! You’re beautiful! You’re not ugly.” In response, the child suddenly started crying.

The video has likely hit an emotional chord with so many because so many of us remember feeling the same way when we were her age. After I saw this video, I started looking for photographs of myself as a child. When I found them, I instantly remembered what it was like to be a little black girl. Feelings like misplacement and self-hate came rushing back, as if the work I had done to get rid of them had never gone away. I remembered that I used to hide photos of myself from my mother, because she wanted to hang them on the walls of our house and I felt my appearance was too unappealing for that. I hid them so well that some of them are still missing today. Years later, I realize I still have those insecurities hidden inside of me.

Today, I’m a grown woman and a psychologist. I see how mental health is affected by racism, and I understand why I thought so little of myself back then. A young child's mind is like a sponge; they absorb all the information they receive from the world around them. That’s why at such an early age, young black children can perceive ourselves as unworthy, awful, and ugly. We see the racism in the world that sends these messages, and internalize it.

In the 1940s, two psychologists named Kenneth and Mamie Clark designed and conducted a series of experiments known as “the doll test” to study the psychological effects of segregation on African-American children. They used four dolls that were identical in every way except their skin color to test children’s racial perceptions. Their subjects, children between the ages of 3 and 7, were asked to identify both the race of the dolls and which color doll they preferred. A majority of the children preferred the white doll and assigned positive characteristics to it like “beautiful,” “good,” and “nice.” The psychologists concluded that prejudice, discrimination, and segregation create a feeling of inferiority among African-American children and that damages their self-esteem.

I run a weekly clinic with a number of girls and young black women, and, decades after that study, self-love still is an issue for them. Some phrases I hear repeatedly are: “I don’t see any good characteristics in myself”; “I don’t see myself as beautiful as my white friend — she gets so much more attention and I am always the one left out”; “I avoid mirrors constantly because I just can’t look at myself.” And so on.

It is important for women to love themselves, because if they don’t, they will not accept the love they deserve from others. When someone doesn’t feel genuine love for themself, they tend to accept anything they interpret as an expression of love from others as essential — more essential than their true needs.

After years of being in therapy myself, today I see me as someone who is worthy. Finally, I can perceive my beauty and strength and see clearly that I deserve love and have love to share. I only hope more black girls and women can love their features and embrace themselves the way I have. I especially hope that little girl from the viral video will see how special and unique she is. For every black girl who is reading this: You sure are special, you are beautiful, and you deserve genuine, strong, and mind-blowing love.