Forget Those Toolkits, Ladies: He's Broken

I’m hangin’ out, watching TV, and as I flip channels I just happened to come across the season premiere of the TV Show Tool Academy.

I’ve always had issues respecting the people who go on these kinds of shows. I mean, if you’re going to go on TV, why not go through the trouble of trying to improve yourself or to break up with the person of your own volition?

The premise of Tool Academy? VH1 describes the show:

Earlier this year, VH1 struck a blow for frustrated girlfriends everywhere by taking nine of America's most arrogant, dishonest, selfish and unfaithful boyfriends and enrolling them in the one place that could reform them from their horrible ways, and potentially even turn them into husband material -- The Tool Academy! A 30 day program designed to transform the worst boyfriend, into a knight in shining armor. 

As I watched more of the show (what? I was curious!), I realized: these girls REALLY and TRULY think that these men can change. The same men that are cheating on them with barely-legal girls and bragging about their private parts on camera are the men that these women have stuck with for months or even years in hopes that they would have what my roommate calls a “come to Jesus” moment; where they realize all their mistakes and wrongdoings and grovel at each woman’s feet; begging for forgiveness.

But here’s the thing: on the show, only one of these men will make enough progress to be considered a changed man; only one is no longer a tool. That means one out of 12 men - 8.3% of all the “tools” out there, if you put it on a larger scale – have the power to fully transform.

That is NOT a very promising number.

So why do we keep dating and trying to change these men? Why do we keep giving the TOOLS in our nation second, third, fourth and even fifth chances?

Tool Academy got me thinking long and hard about these two questions. I’ve had friends go through breakup after breakup with guy after guy, always hoping they can change him or make him see something he wouldn’t have before. Heck, I’m not completely innocent of it myself. But I’ve had a revelation.

A lot of us are attracted to power, domination and strength. To men with big strong muscles who can “protect us” and with leather jackets and tough-guy attitudes who are “misunderstood.” And why are we so attracted to this? Well, there are a number of reasons.

First of all, we were raised to think this way. In the Disney film Beauty and the Beast, Belle is able to change the Beast into the kind, noble prince that was hidden beneath. In the movie Grease, Sandy is able to get Danny to try to change for her – he tries out for the sports teams; and even joins one at the end of the movie (and then immediately chucks his letterman’s jacket once Sandy changes her identity for him, which is a whole ‘nother Feminist rant you don’t want me to get started on.)

(PS: If you’re interested, check out Julie’s post on Disney and how it shapes our perceptions of Gender and Race!)

Second of all, as girls, we have been taught through images in the media and commonly held views of femininity that we should be submissive and “live to serve” our men. Think of the image of the “classic” housewife of the 1950’s and 1960’s – remember the “Good Wife’s Guide” from a 1955 copy of Good Housekeeping? (if not, check it out here). That image was ALL about being subservient and good to our men; tolerating however late they got home or hard they worked – or; in today’s world; who they sleep with and how obnoxious they are – because it’s a way of showing how loyal we are; how we fit into that submissive version of femininity.

Now do all women do this with men they date? No. Are all men as big of tools as those that are on Tool Academy? Of COURSE not. But here’s something to consider – if we were raised to be attracted to these guys and try to change them ourselves, how do we instead change the way society glorifies these guys and expects us to want them? Now THAT is worth a TV show. VH1, I expect a call from your people any day.

Becka also writes for her own blog: beckatellsall.wordpress.com.