Embracing my femininity as a girl in STEM

I didn’t fully understand what that gender gap in my STEM classes, which I started taking in middle school, meant until high school. Of course, I noticed that I was one of six girls in an Intro to Robotics class of 31 students. I also noticed that the way the girls acted in that class mirrored gym class: Girls purposely sat out and didn’t even try to throw the ball (so to speak) out of fear that they’d never be as good as the boys. I was hardly an exception. Implicitly, I began to think that the lack of women in these classes implied we are worse at these fields and that made me feel inferior. For years, I felt like I didn’t belong in my favorite classes and, worse, like everyone around me thought that, too. 

This inferiority complex forced me into a vicious cycle: Because I felt that everyone thought I was a phony, I couldn’t bring myself to ask any questions in class or get help from my teachers. I felt doing so would only further prove that I didn’t belong and moreover that I’d embarrass myself by trying to belong. This feeling of inferiority as a woman in tech was compounded by the reality that my Ukrainian culture and Russian community raised me to believe that femininity is generally inferior to masculinity. 

This internalized inferiority didn’t affect just how I felt about myself, but also how I interacted with other women in STEM. At this point I had already altered my personality due to my feelings of inferiority: I suppressed my enthusiastic, bubbly side out of the fear that guys would consider it childish and instead became terse, assertive, and, on occasion, harsh. I didn’t even realize I had changed my entire gender presentation until I took part in a Girls Who Code summer program in 2017. I didn’t understand how so many girls in my program could justify wearing frilly dresses, floral prints, or crop tops while also wanting to become programmers. I always considered clothing first and foremost an expression for one’s gender identity, and in order to become a programmer, I decided I had to dress like a man —  which included hiding my body in oversized T-shirts. 

This all changed in the summer after 11th grade, when I participated in a program called LaunchX in which students build the foundations for an early-stage start-up over the span of a month. I was one of four girls in the program who had STEM experience and the only with mechanical engineering experience. The program focused on students’ unique abilities and the value they add, and I soon realized that being a female mechanical engineer was valuable. I realized how hard I had worked to earn my value and saw how my peers respected my skills. 

At that point, I finally came to wholeheartedly accept being both a woman and an engineer. I began to participate in all-female hackathons or other programs specifically for women in STEM.  This exposure to other women in the field helped me realize that I could embrace every authentic part of myself and still succeed. I let my bubbly personality permeate through again and allowed myself to be excited. In fact, I realized that in order to succeed professionally, the level of harshness I had adapted in my attempt to be more masculine was actually damaging. When it was time to buy new clothing, I realized how much I had missed shopping and feeling beautiful. I didn’t want to hide anymore; I wanted to feel sexy in the clothing I wore, and I wanted the world to see me and see how good I felt. 

Now, as a senior in high school, I have realized that being a woman in STEM is badass and powerful and that my femininity is not just an important part of me, but an asset about which I could and should feel proud.