Back On Track

"And you know what they say--it's in your DNA!" -Avenue Q, "If You Were Gay"

I stumbled upon this rather classic questionnaire here:

I decided to fill it out both to A) Have some fun looking at heterosexuality from a more, well, non heteronormative standpoint B) Make a more serious point about some of the mistaken beliefs people hold about being LGBTQ/etc. and show the utter absurdity of asking some of these questions for anything more than philosophical reasons.

Enjoy.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

Well, I don't completely know. I guess you could say it was some kind of genetic thing, or the amount of hormones I was exposed to in my mom's womb. Maybe God just made me this way.

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

Hm... that's an interesting one. I didn't think much about it as a kid, since American society is pretty heteronormative as a rule. I think I first found out that not everyone was heterosexual when I innocently talked about marrying another female at the tender age of 3 or so, and my mom said, "... well, some women do, but most women marry men". I usually resisted all the pre-adolescent "crushing" that girls are supposed to do ("WHICH BACKSTREET BOY DO YOU LIKE?" *young first grade Steph freezes up... wait, I'm supposed to like one?* "Uh... the blonde one?" "OH MY GOSH! NICK! ME TOO!"). I did take a very strong liking to a boy two years older who lived down the street (He had Power Rangers! And fake swords! And one time, we were in the back of my mom's station wagon and he made my Barbies dance around naked! My mom and his mom caught us and got rather upset at him. Later, at home, I started trying to dance naked on my bed, until my dad told me "we don't do that". Fun times!) and named my bunny after him. But I didn't think of it in terms of heterosexuality. Looking back, I think the first real proof of heterosexuality I have is when I watched "The Outsiders" in 8th grade and got really sad when "Dally" (young Matt Dilon, I believe) died--though I wasn't all that attached to his character in the book--because he was so damn good looking! Oh, and the fact that Aragorn's constant fantasizing about Arwen in the LOTR movies made me vaguely jealous and resentful towards that half-Elven Evenstar.

3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

Well, you know, I am open-minded, and I realize that sexuality is pretty fluid for a lot of people (and, it would seem, women in particular). So I guess anything's possible. Maybe I'll grow into it instead, though. You never know.

4. Is it possibility that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

Well, I did have some interesting experiences with girls making fun of me in second grade (bless their 7-year-old hearts, they knew not what they did... and I guess picking my nose just wasn't a good idea to begin with). In middle school, I was kind of afraid of all the female athletes (especially the volleyball and basketball crowd) because they were all A) Way taller than me. B) Way more athletic than I could ever hope to be. C) Way more confident than me (or so it appeared at the time) D) Able to get males to go out with them and stuff! E) Way better looking than me.

And, you know, even in my senior year of high school I still would get nervous in the locker room during gym class, because I felt like my body just didn't measure up to those of everyone around me. I realized that I was being ridiculous, but that's something I have to deal with. I would say most of my issues with other females have to do with feeling physically inferior. I'm not sure if this is actually strong enough to be a neurosis, though, and I do have female friends, and, I mean, I'm going to an all-female college, so I really don't think a fear of women alone is driving me to seek intimate male companionship (which I'm not really doing anyways... there's nothing wrong with being single!). Hopefully that sort of answers the question.

5. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, is it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

See Question 3. However, I have to say that sleeping with someone is really not the same as having an intimate mental/spiritual relationship, which I think is what love is supposed to be like. So I wouldn't say that sleeping with a woman and finding it a somewhat pleasurable experience would be enough to make me bisexual/lesbian, seeing as how there are many people who identify as straight but have had sex with members of the same sex. It really depends on who you want to be with for the long term.

6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies?

Uh, well... some girls at school who were looking at me funny for handing out an anti-DOMA petition, some of my friends, and... all of you on teh internetz right now! (I sort of have disclosed to my parents as well. Actually, my mom and I had a conversation in which she asked me if I was gay, I told her I didn't completely know, but that since I don't check out teh ladiez in my spare time I'm guessing probably not. My dad then walked in. So I guess that counts?)

7. Why do you heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into your lifestyle?

Because we all want to find someone special, and the more straight people we have the more options we have! Just kidding!

To be honest, I've never felt "compelled" to "seduce" someone into becoming straight. Because, come on, if you've seen Saved! you know that doesn't work (love that movie, by the way).

Many straight women do sometimes become emotionally close with males or find them attractive and then find out that they're gay (Don't pretend! If you're a straight woman, it's probably happened to you!). We often then start theorizing that there are no nice straight men out there and ask, often loudly and with irritating frequency, why do all the nice guys have to be gay? Anyone who started a dating service hooking up nice bi guys who have all the characteristics of stereotypical nice gay men with straight women would probably make a fortune (I can just see it now: "Let's watch Golden Girls together!" "Then have sex?" "Sure!" *girl dies in excitement* ).

But I think we usually love our gay friends enough to want them to be happy, rather than trying to convince them that, well, we kinda look like Brad Pitt in the dark if we don't wax our eyebrows. If only our friends on the Far Right would do the same.

8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can't you just be what you are and keep it quiet?

Uh, well, I don't really know how to "flaunt" my heterosexuality, to be quite honest. Should I throw myself at random men? Wear "provocative" clothing? Start loudly insisting that all boys and girls in a room pair up? Start co-ed spin-the-bottle games? Wear a shirt that says "I'm here, I'm straight, get used to it."? Find a straight-pride flag? (Do we even have straight pride flags?) Buy some straight porn and be sure to watch it whenever anyone comes over (oh gosh, my parents would love that...).

I'm not in a relationship right now (nor have I ever been), and as I'm often borderline asexual there's not a lot to show off. Yes, I could be obnoxious and talk about what I did with No One last night (nothing!), or how often I masturbate, or what turns me on, but I don't know that that's specific to hetero- or homosexuality--more like general complete tackiness and TMI, unless it's in the context of a serious discussion.

9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they'd face?

Well, I don't think that's a choice I can make for them (assuming I even have children). Sure, love hurts, no matter what kind of relationship you're in, but in the end you have to follow your heart and trust it will all work out. That's what I'd tell my hypothetical children. As long as they use protection and stay safe in any relationship, I don't really care.

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

Yes. Most teachers have to undergo background checks, and, futhermore, I trust that if I keep the lines of communication open with my hypothetical kids, they will tell me if something is going on that makes them uncomfortable. I would also make a point of knowing who my kids' teachers are and getting a feel for them as people (by coming to open house night, or whatever). Also, most heterosexuals are still not child molesters. Seriously.

11. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

Because we enter into marriage for all the wrong reasons: pure physical attraction and lust, convenience, societal expectations, fear, anxiety, financial stability, etc.

We also have a tendency to not want to work on our relationships, compromise, and make sacrifices.

Go ahead, cast the first stone already. ;)

12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

Uh, I've never understood this completely myself. The media focuses on it a lot, and I think we play off our own biological urges, which are then sold back to us on TV/on the Internet/in movies, etc. In the words of the Bloodhound Gang: "You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals/ So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel/Get horny now!"

Besides, I guess sex is an enjoyable experience for many straight people, so we like to talk about it, but sometimes we start worrying about whether we're "normal" compared to other straight people, so this makes us talk about it even more. Sorry, I know, we're so gross, right?

13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

I don't know that it would; personally, I decided a long time ago that the LGBTQ community is part of God's master plan to prevent overpopulation by avoiding the accidental conception of unwanted babies.

However, I'm sure we'd figure something out if we had to. But I'm glad we've got gays, lesbians, and the rest of the queer crowd out there to help keep us in check. 10% is way better than nothing when it comes to stopping Malthus in his tracks!

14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don't you fear that the therapist might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his or her own leanings?

Sure they could influence me. The therapist is only human, right? But you have to trust someone at some point, or you're going to feel very alone.

15. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality and fail to develop your natural, healthy homosexual potential?

You have a point there. Bisexuality ftw?

Seriously, I think it depends on the person. Some people would never even consider having a "gay" (or "straight" thought, or experimenting with/changing their sexual identities. They are perfectly happy and secure as they are. I think the rest of us fall into a gray area where maybe we have fantasies, but don't act on them, or maybe we're bisexual, or maybe we're "lesbians/gays with an exception". We are the 1s and 2s and 3s and 4s and 5s on the Kinsey scale... because not everyone is a straight-up 0 or a 6. But it's up to us what we do with that information when we discover it about ourselves. We all have to do what's best for us as individuals, and what works with our religious beliefs and our personal philosophies (I'm talking monogamy here, which several major world religions seem to value, as well as chastity, which A LOT of religions seem to value, not Christian clobber passages).

I could probably never have any sexual contact with anyone and be alright, though maybe feel a little bit left out. But I'm just waiting to see what happens... there's no rush, right? I'm straight, but I definitely try to not be narrow-minded when it comes to my sexual future.

16. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

HELL NO. I'm perfectly fine working things out on my own, thank you very much. Trying to use a negative reinforcement to stop someone from doing something as natural as being attracted to someone else is kind of dangerous, in my opinion (though I guess we do it to ourselves on a lesser level when we "get over" someone). How I feel is between me, myself, and God.

The End.

Thanks for reading. Questions/comments/complaints/concerns? Comment away!

Stephanie also writes for her own blog, Nonsensical Output.