International Childfree Day Celebrates the Childfree Choice

When I wish someone Happy International Childfree Day on August 1, I usually get one of two reactions: Either they are surprised and delighted that their life choices are being supported, or they accuse me of making it up and tell me to stop “showing off” about my “childfree lifestyle” because “no one cares” whether I have children or not. In fact, lots of people do care, including Elon Musk, who tweets endlessly about how childfree people like me are causing catastrophic population collapse (not a thing) and should be disenfranchised because we have no stake in the future. Then there is CPAC chairman Matt Schlapp, who has championed overturning Roe v Wade because the resulting forced births arising from abortion bans would help grow the white population. When powerful men treat women without kids as dangerous threats to society, we need all the support we can get.

I discovered International Childfree Day, originally celebrated as Non-Parents Day, while researching my documentary on childfree lives, My So-Called Selfish Life. The holiday was launched on August 1, 1973, by the childfree advocacy group The National Organization of Non-Parents (NON) whose goal was to make not having children “socially accepted and respected” and to “eliminate pronatalist discrimination.” By 1982, both NON and Non-Parents Day were gone, victims of Reagan-era Family Values conservatism.

The childfree conversation ebbed and flowed through books and blogs for decades until the explosion of social media in the late 2000s. Online communities and resources connected childfree people from all over the world — and helped them understand they were neither crazy nor alone. This inspired childfree expert Laura Carroll to reinstate the holiday on August 1, 2013, with the new name International Childfree Day. Its purpose was and is to recognize and celebrate the childfree choice in today’s society. You can mark the holiday in the next few days by streaming My So-Called Selfish Life on demand, sharing greeting cards with friends, and tuning in to the Childfree Convention on July 29 and 30, a two-day live global streaming event featuring international speakers, panels, and a halftime show. It also welcomes parents, as well as those who want children and can’t have them.

In our intensely pronatalist world, with its many interconnected pressures to have children, we need this kind of visibility and respect more than ever. From family pressures to give our parents grandchildren and pregnancy test ads that almost never show anyone happy to NOT be pregnant, all the way to state governments who can’t wait to pass abortion bans. Lately, there have been calls for taxing people without children, or even the aforementioned disenfranchisements as punishment for not growing the population.

My film’s global digital premiere coincided with the leak of the Dobbs decision in 2022. I was doing a lot of press when the interview topics abruptly shifted from “Are you selfish?” lifestyle questions to pronatalism and reproductive justice. While despondent about Dobbs, I was thrilled that I could talk about why I wanted to make this film: to show what true reproductive autonomy might look like, whether we want children or not; that if we can’t control our reproductive lives, we can’t control the rest of our lives; that the desire for children is not innate and pregnancy is not always a blessing; that forcing it upon someone, whether through abortion bans, or religious pressure, or family shaming, or partner coercion, is monstrous. And that as women without children, whether by choice or circumstance, we’re not less than, or selfish, or somehow not of the same value or deserving of the same respect as mothers.

We all suffer from some degree of internal pronatalist bias, so in honor of the day, here are some suggestions to support the childfree folks in your life:

1. When you find out we don’t want children, please don’t say “You’ll change your mind” or “You’ll regret it.” We understand our own lives better than you do. Let’s also banish “Who will take care of you when you get old?” There are too many parents in nursing homes whose kids never come to visit for this to be a sensible question. Also, birthing your own elder care is pretty selfish.

2. Occasionally ask parents why they had children instead of always asking us why we didn’t. Bringing a new human into the world is a far more consequential decision and worthy of inquiry. I’ve actually gotten some very lovely responses to this, but it’s rare to even ask.

3. Please stop asking your employees without children to cover for parents by staying late, working weekends, or swapping vacation dates because we “don’t have families.” This should not be a zero-sum game. Everyone deserves equitable time off, and our time outside work is worthy of respect. Please don’t make your employees fight it out among themselves because you have not created or enforced policies.

3. Understand that we actually do have families, if not always the nuclear kind: our partners or polycules; our parents, siblings, nieces, nephews; the people and animals we share our homes with; and all the others we need time to care for or be joyful with — including ourselves.

4. If you are a health practitioner, please practice patient-centered care by respecting our reproductive goals. Don’t immediately suggest egg freezing, or shut down requests for voluntary sterilization procedures. As the massive surge in such requests has indicated, many of us are terrified by the abortion bans, know we never want children, and don’t want to be forced into pregnancy.

5. Speaking of sterilization, recognize that pronatalism is not just about making people have more kids, but also ensuring that only certain people have kids. I’m talking about reproductive control, as evidenced by America’s long, ugly history of forced sterilization targeting Black women, women of color, the poor, the disabled, and the incarcerated.

6. Stop entertaining discussions about “catastrophic population collapse.” Seriously, Elon. This is not a thing: The population is growing by 80 million people a year and the decline in the fertility rate is due to many factors, including a preference for smaller families. It’s also due to women’s increased access to education and reproductive health care, which should be interpreted as a sign of empowerment and not catastrophe.

I’ve known since I was young that I didn’t want children, but I always assumed that I’d have to have them anyway because that’s just what people did. It haunted me through my 20s knowing at some point I would have to stop living the life I wanted and give myself over to something I didn’t want. By my late 30s, thanks to feminism and a supportive community, I realized that I didn’t have to have children if I didn’t want them. This was not a “lifestyle choice” as it is so often portrayed in the media and in countless Instagram photos of couples posing with giant glasses of wine in front of a turquoise sea.

To me, being childfree is a decision to live an authentic life, the life that I feel is best for me, despite the excruciating pressures not to. It is the result of the incredible privilege of having the tools and support to control my own fertility and reproductive future. On International Childfree Day, I’ll be celebrating my ability to choose my future, safely and joyfully. It’s something I wish for every human on earth, whether you want children or not.