Fighting sexual violence in the Trump era

For the first 30 or so seconds after I awake in the morning, I live in a state of ignorant bliss. I look to see if my husband and dog are awake and start to assess the day ahead of me. Then it hits me. Each morning, before I’ve lifted my head from the pillow, the fog of sleepiness is replaced with a cloud of despair: A man who has condoned sexual violence is going to be our next president.

People tell me that I should get over the election of Donald Trump as the next president of the United States. What’s done is done, they say. Learn to live with it.

I’m one of the many women whose past trauma was triggered when I heard Trump boast about sexual assault. I had buried the incident somewhere deep inside me, never forgetting but also never feeling. Hearing Trump gloat that he could help himself to any woman he chose hurled me back in time, leaving me feeling groped all over again.

By dismissing his offensive and boorish words as “locker room talk,” Trump told millions of abusive men, self-doubting women, and impressionable children that objectifying women is OK. I don’t know how to learn to live with the knowledge that voters selected him to lead the country.

Prior to Election Day, I wrote and published an essay about the evening two neighborhood boys held me down, put their hands up my shirt and down my pants, and grabbed me “by the pussy.” I shared my story—and my anguish—hoping that I could help other women find their voices.

The reaction to my essay—aside from the accusations that I was fabricating anti-Trump propaganda—was, in part, like a massage for my psyche. Strangers from around the world wrote me about their experiences, expressed their support, and thanked me for my bravery. Friends and acquaintances told me that I helped them share their own horrific stories.

I was shocked to learn that one of my closest childhood friends had her own secret: She was nearly raped on a first date while we were in high school. She’d met the guy at work and he attacked her in his car. She told no one, not even her closest friends, because she blamed herself for going out with someone she barely knew.

Stunned and sad, I read comments from many women with their own stories. One wrote of being date-raped in college and keeping it a secret though her first marriage. Another wrote that, until she read my story, she didn’t know that what she’d experienced years earlier was considered sexual assault, even though she carried scars. All shared my fear and outrage that a man who boasted about sexual assault might be elected leader of the free world.

Like many, I was surprised and heartbroken that Trump’s flaunting of his abusive behavior toward women was not a deal breaker for nearly half of the voters. As one survivor wrote me, “I feel betrayed by the 60 million people who voted for Trump, or at least the women that voted for him. ... How are women ever going to achieve equality if we can’t even count on women to stick up for each other on the most basic of things?” 

I, too, feel betrayed by a nation that voted for a man who thinks of women as objects for his amusement.

Seeking comfort, I try to take solace in the knowledge that the country has made some strides in educating people about sexual violence.

“The country has made progress when talking about sexual assault,” said Monika Johnson Hostler, president of the National Alliance to End Sexual Violence. If a presidential candidate had been caught making the same remarks eight years ago, Hostler said, “it wouldn’t have gotten the play [from the media] that it got this year. People recognize that talking about sexual assault is not just a personal issue anymore, nor is it just a women’s issue.”

The Obama/Biden administration’s work on sexual assault on college campuses has helped change the conversation, Hostler said.

“A series of things have happened to alter the landscape,” she said. “I credit the administration for making it part of the conversation.”

Armed with the statistic that one in five college women will be a victim of sexual violence, the Obama administration has introduced a number of measures to address sexual assault on campuses. In 2011, the Department of Education issued a “Dear Colleague” letter reminding colleges and universities “sexual harassment of students, which includes acts of sexual violence, is a form of sex discrimination prohibited by Title IX.”

In 2014, President Obama established the White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault with the goal of strengthening federal enforcement efforts and increasing public awareness to better protect and support survivors. The task force launched NotAlone.gov, a website that provides resources for students and schools on how to prevent and respond to sexual assault. College administrators, in turn, have started to revise their approaches to sexual assault with efforts such as teaching bystanders how to intervene, mandating more comprehensive classes, improving online resources, and changing how they investigate reports of sexual violence.

We don’t yet know how a Trump Administration is going to deal with the pervasiveness of sexual violence. “What we don’t want to happen is a rollback in the responsiveness to sexual assault,” Hostler said.

Every day I find women who feel as saddened and dispirited as I do. Despite the camaraderie and understanding, I feel lonely in my grief and fear. I think about my daughter and wonder if her college campus will be less safe after January 20.

I can’t be optimistic that a man who trivialized sexual violence will support work toward eliminating this crime that is so pervasive in our society. President-elect Trump may not prioritize or care about this issue, but women can maintain the volume of the conversation by continuing to speak out, sharing our stories, and building upon the progress we have made on this issue.

Supporting each other may be our most important tool right now. For some of us, it might make getting out of bed in the morning a little easier.