Why We Need Outspoken Moms

“Mary, I could never see you being a mom.” A male acquaintance, unprovoked, shared this with me recently. At 19, it’s likely unsurprising that I don’t plan to become a mother any time soon. But honestly, I’ve never considered not becoming a mom at some point. So why was it that something I’d never wavered on seemed so obviously impossible to someone else?

The acquaintance who said this is someone I’d had a lot of tension with; we’d often get into scuffles that resulted in me being cornered into assuming the role of the “cutthroat feminist killjoy” while he played up the “I think I’m too smart to be offensive” frat-bro shtick. I certainly don’t enjoy being forced into these kinds of one-sided arguments, but generally speaking, I’ve never had any problem standing up for myself or speaking my mind. But maybe that was just it: That I am comfortable in my outspokenness must have skewed my parenting potential in his eyes.

The traditional image of an ideal mother — which I had naively assumed most people at my liberal NYC college would have long abandoned — is a docile, neutral, eternally smiling, opinion-free woman. And I guess if you’re living in a two-dimensional Norman Rockwell painting, that’s all fine and good, but in reality, the opinionless eternal nurturer is not just an unrealistic personality to embody, but one very few people would want to try to embody.

Sexist ideals of motherhood operate under the assumption that women must sacrifice their personalities and viewpoints in order to be “good” mothers — as if parenting (more specifically, mothering) is upheld by neutrality or submissiveness. However, being outspoken about one’s beliefs does not negate their ability to take care of children well. In fact, it’s important for children to have an advocate in their corner, someone who they know will not just stand up for them but will teach them how to stand up for themselves. Raising a child takes serious bravery and grit.

For better or for worse, parents always have and probably always will pass on their opinions to their kids. From the most mundane assertions of likes and dislikes to deep political, religious, or moral convictions, it’s impossible to raise children without exposing them to your beliefs. And oftentimes, instilling personal values in your children is seen as admirable. I guess the footnote I missed was that this apparently only applies to fathers.

It was a footnote I probably missed because I grew up with a mother who is the most unapologetically opinionated and outspoken person I know — something that with every passing day I am more and more grateful for. My mother has always been honest, determined, and strong, and it is because of the confidence that she instilled in me to stand up for myself that, despite how annoyed I was in that encounter with that man, I was able to move on from an ignorant comment and see it as just that — not a fact. Without a strong mother, I might not have had the skills to do that.

A nuanced understanding of how feminism and motherhood can not just coexist but thrive together is essential for healthy familial relationships. Mothers should not have to sacrifice their individuality and humanity to fit an impossible standard that damages both mother and child. We need more outspoken mothers who are free to engage in their unique opinions and interests, who can be engaged role models for their children, and who are also self-fulfilled and satisfied individuals. When I have kids, I look forward to not only being an unapologetically outspoken mom but also showing other young women that there is no one way to be a mother, regardless of whether the men around you “can see it” or not.