Why the ‘Pick Me’ Trend Is Problematic

The #PickMeGirl trend first emerged in 2016 on Twitter when the hashtag #TweetLikeAPickMe began circulating. The “pick me girl” of this trend had qualities that made them “good wives” or good “wife material.’” These women followed traditional gender stereotypes and patriarchal ideas of being female; they cooked, cleaned, and fed their men, boosting the male ego and promoting male entitlement. The trend died down but more recently re-emerged on TikTok — the hashtag now has over 271 million views on that platform — and now promotes a different, yet still very problematic, image.

According to Urban Dictionary, a “pick-me girl” is “a girl who seeks male validation by indirectly or directly stating that she is ‘not like other girls.’” She is commonly depicted as a woman who is micro-aggressive toward other women; for example, she says she prefers to hang out with guys because girls cause “too much drama.” She watches football, wears Converse sneakers to prom, and hates makeup. The motive of the behavior is embedded in the term itself; by distancing herself from feminine stereotypes, she establishes herself as “different from other girls,” which therefore screams to a presumably heterosexual male audience: Pick me!

Many argue that this “pick me girl" trend exemplifies internalized misogyny because she tends to bring other girls down to establish her superiority over them to gain male validation. She values what the boys around her do because that’s what patriarchal structures have told her is valuable, so she views generally feminine activities as frivolous and distasteful. She makes sexist comments about other girls to eliminate a sense of competition for male attention and position her as the better option for their approval and praise.

Many content creators, however, flock to impersonate pick-me girls, not to explain the toxic roots of the phenomenon but to demonize other women. These depictions perpetuate the notion that girls who like sports or do not wear makeup are automatically “pick-me girls,” when for many, these behaviors are just part of their gender expressions and personal preferences.

The “pick me girl” archetype highlights just how deeply embedded the idea of the gender binary still is in our society. No matter how it’s interpreted, the “pick me girl” archetype diminishes the personhood of individuals, who may possess identities and personalities that are a mixture of the feminine and the masculine and continues to peg gender expression to biological sex.

This is evident in the emergence of “pick me boys,” an archetype of boy who seeks female validation. "Pick me boys" put themselves down to garner female sympathy, fish for compliments, and "love bomb" girls to stand out against other boys. The "pick-me boy" is problematic because it uses self-depreciation as a tactic of manipulation and capitalizes on the fact that girls are socialized and expected to do emotional labor. The idea that using emotional expression at all as a tactic to manipulate girls only plays into toxic standards of masculinity that uphold emotional vulnerability as uncommon among boys. The "pick-me boy" is appealing because he’s not like other guys, which underpins a notion of gendering that distances the characteristic of being emotionally sensitive from the common idea of masculinity.

In short, it is important to distinguish the difference between the "Pick-Me" trope as a behavior and as a trend. It is well established that pick-me behavior is problematic for internalizing misogyny, but so is the trend itself for perpetuating and sustaining continued cycles of that misogyny.

There are many ways to spread awareness and call out problematic behavior, and there need to be more attempts to educate people who display "pick-me" behavior rather than shaming them. Social media is a place to interact, so it is important to contribute to dialogue, engage with people struggling with pick-me-ism, and educate them. Let’s be more supportive and constructive, not destructive.