Resisting Empathy Burnout

Do you ever interact with someone and realize that they are the main character in their life — and, to them, you are just a bystander? There’s a word for that feeling: sonder. It is defined by Dictionary.com as “the feeling one has on realizing that every other individual one sees has a life as full and real as one’s own, in which they are the central character and others, including oneself, have secondary or insignificant roles.”

Most people probably don’t spend their days imagining what it’s like to be other people, but should we? Sonder ties heavily to empathy. Understanding one another’s complexities is arguably one of the most important ways to grow our communities, and 73% of Americans agree. Understanding what other people are going through allows us to care for them in whatever way is needed. If we were a more insightful, and dare I say, sondering society, many more people would be healthier and happier.

Yet, statistics show that our empathetic bandwidth is rapidly diminishing. According to a Method Communications survey, 25% of Americans believe that empathy simply doesn’t matter. This indicates we may be experiencing something called empathy burnout. Throughout the last four years, we have witnessed a pandemic, wars, and countless atrocities, and experienced a diminished quality of life, and American empathy levels have been steadily decreasing. It’s unsurprising that our ability to empathize is diminishing, but it’s still a dangerous road to go down.

What’s more, this burnout may be disproportionate among women. According to the Pew Research Center, women think about how situations will affect other people 11% more than men (66% versus 55%). Furthermore, when hearing people are suffering 71% of women express sorrow to hear that, but only 53% of men do the same. According to a United Way of National Capital Area survey, 57% of American women report feeling emotionally exhausted after watching the news. 12% more women than men feel a desire to help those in need and 9% more women than men say they’re often grateful for what they have. This makes sense given that women are systematically taught to be more caring and less self-centered from birth and men are often taught to suppress whatever our toxic, misogynistic society deems “weak” (like, say, emoting).

We have all experienced being too caught up in our own lives to pay much mind to others. However, we need to start rethinking our approach to how we exist in our communities. That doesn’t have to mean single-handedly solving all the grandiose problems of the world, but keeping other people’s complex stories and identities in mind can be nothing but a good thing for our world. These are admittedly elementary ideas, but clearly, many people need a refresher. So, the next time you recognize someone in need, do a little sondering — and encourage others to do the same.