February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, but the Impact of Violence Is Long-Lasting

It all started when, as a freshman, I was swept off my feet by a varsity athlete almost three years older than me. I was instantly hooked. He was interested in ME?! I never saw myself as special, but he did a hell of a good job changing my view. Until he didn’t. In retrospect, bits and pieces of our relationship had been slowly crumbling away, but by December, my life had fallen apart.

The abuse started slowly. At first, he was extremely charming with assurances like, “You’re so beautiful” and “I’m never going anywhere.” He walked me to class, always at my side, a little jealous and protective. Unsettling behaviors like those escalated before my eyes, but I was blind and too young to recognize the warning signs of abuse.

By the end of the first month of our “relationship,” my life had changed. He had isolated me from friends. He became my only friend, attached to my hip wherever I went. At first, I thought it was cute, but soon it was frightening.

He wouldn’t let me enter my classroom until I kissed him. I tried to go around him, but he blocked me and demanded that I kiss him despite a lot of other students being around, hustling to class. I didn’t want to and was anxious about my math test, but he wouldn’t let me go until I did.

Thankfully, someone I knew was nearby. We made eye contact, and I gave a pleading look. The person knew how to help by calling my boyfriend’s name. When my boyfriend turned around, I escaped. Later, I learned that my friend had engaged in “bystander intervention.”

The abuse escalated. Once, I started to walk away from him to get to class. He didn’t like that and latched onto my wrists. I told him he was hurting me and struggled to break free from his grip. People asked why I was holding my wrist in class.

He’d tell me all of the things that I was doing wrong, leaving me in tears. But when he asked me to say what he was doing wrong, I was a “liar” and “had an attitude.” He began forcing me to do things without my consent. He wouldn’t listen to the words “no” and “stop.”

People close to me told me to break off the relationship, that I wasn’t myself anymore. They warned it would get worse. I didn’t believe them until “as a joke,” he pushed me up against a locker.

By the time I believed my friends’ warnings, it was too late: I had lost their friendship. They didn’t want to hear about my suffering, about my developing depression and anxiety, my fear of seeing him at school, or my thoughts of self-harm. Like most survivors of sexual harassment and dating violence, I also didn’t report the abuse to the school. I’d already heard that he’d abused other girls and that varsity athletes were untouchable.

I couldn’t move forward without professional help and started to go to therapy. Although the therapist suggested that I move to another school, I refused, knowing that would have satisfied my abuser, so with intensive therapy, I endured the worst experience of my life, remained at school, and graduated. I continued therapy into college but found it necessary to complete the end of my college education at home to work through unresolved trauma.

Because trauma doesn’t just “go away,” there are days when it’s like being back at square one. But this feeling inspires me to advocate for the people who are stuck at square one, including sharing my experience and pointing others to resources where they can get help. Volunteering with Stop Sexual Assault in Schools led me to their SASH (Students Against Sexual Harassment) Club, a peer education resource that people can use anywhere. One of their presentations, Teen Dating Violence, describes the warning signs I failed to recognize, and lists helpful resources. SASH Club is an inclusive way to help teens stay safe and make change. You can follow @sashclubs and join me volunteering!